Finding the peace within...

Going downstream...


I want to be at peace with every single decision I have made & will make.
I want to feel, as I kiss my children goodnight, that I have loved & guided them.
I want to feel, at the end of the day, that I have been loving, supportive & appreciative of my husband.
I want to feel I'm an individual while being the piece that fits perfectly to complete the puzzle that is my sisters, my brother, my parents, my family.
I want to feel, either in the midst of a crisis or fits of laughter, that I am a friend to those girlfriends I am lucky to have in my life.
I want to feel satisfied, fulfilled, excited, motivated, & above all else...happy!
There will be no more paddling upstream...

Ruthless...

In my quest to 'feel' all of these wonderful things, I decided that I was going to start with the very heart of me. My home.
So despite the fearful looks from my husband & children, I got to work on my home & did a week & a half long cull & organise.
I had a motto. If I didn't love it & I didn't use it, it's gone. Some things went to the bin, others to charity. I even managed to pass on school items, craft items, toys & general stuff to those around me.
What a feeling of satisfaction that was!!! How very cleansing!

I've been spending some time with my friends & I've been spending some time with MM & sometimes its just me & BB. I've been playing with my new camera ( my class to learn how to use it to its full potential is tomorrow night ). I've been reading, meditating, singing, dancing, laughing, listening, baking, supporting, appreciating & an all round fine tuning of my life.

Forget the fat...

I have decided, after lots of thinking, to change the name of my blog...again!!!
I have decided to drop the fat(literally). By focusing on my extra weight, I keep it here! By focusing on all the fabulous things about myself & my life (just by looking around with a different mind set) I am discovering I don't 'need' the fat. It has served it's purpose & that purpose is no longer here.

By believing that food is my friend & that my body knows how to metabolize the foods that I eat, I give myself the freedom to live my life as I want to. Guilt free!
By choosing to experience all these fabulous things on a daily basis, I now want to move, I want to nourish my body & I want to feel fit, healthy & free!
This, I believe, is the best way to get there.

I'm no longer going from fat to fabulous. I found fabulous!!!

From here...

From here on in, my blog is going to be about the positive aspects of my life. My daily routine's, my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my passions, my interests, my hurdles (that can always be overcome)my changing outlook, my changing body & my journey......downstream!

Feelings....

So many emotions...

How does one 'choose' to feel fabulous, despite what ever is going on around you?
I've worked it out.....I think!

My big boy JM has slowly become less & less happy in his current school. Lots of reasons. Behavioural issues within the school, lack of stimulation within the classroom & a sense of 'not belonging' in the playground.
This revelation has stirred up loads of emotions within me.

1. Hurt. It's gut wrenching to see your child unhappy.
2. Guilt. As his mother I should be able to protect him from this kind of thing.
3. Worry. How long has he been unhappy for & can he find happiness in another school?
4. Frustration. I'm struggling with not being in 'control' of this situation.
5. Shame. I am ashamed that I struggled terribly with letting him change schools because the school he is in, is a private school, the one he wants to go to is a government school. Yep...that makes me a private school snob. How embaressing!

Long story short. This big brave boy of mine has changed schools. Today, in fact, is his second day at his new school. He is nervous, feels like a fish out of water & has even doubted his decision a few times, but he's there & he's giving it a go & I am so so proud of him.
(update at the end of new school day 2 - JM still thinks Deptuty Principal thinks she's 'all that'...ha-ha! He is much happier this evening, feeling good about his decision to change schools & has even made an appointment with Deputy & discussed moving up to the advanced classes.....THAT'S my boy!!!)

Now...how did I 'choose' to feel fabulous while all this was going on? I decided that I was going to flip all those emotions & make them into something positive. It's not that easy to do, but its actually not that hard either, you just have to start by softening it.

For eg:

Hurt. Yes my tummy was in knots. But JM came to me, honest, open & trusting that I would respect his feelings. I am so grateful we have that kind of relationship.

Guilt. I'm his Mamma...yes. But on this journey of life of his, I am merely his guide. The rest is up to him. That's a toughy to accept, but I've done it.

Worry. Worrying about JM doesnt do him, or me, any good. By worrying about him, I give put that vibe out to him, which in turn makes him worry more about his situation. So we focus on the good parts.

Frustration. Not bieng in control. Hmmmmm...this is something that will take some practice. However, if I take a deep breathe & believe that these are all lessons that JM will benefit from, then it softens my need to be the master of HIS life.

Shame. Woah...this one wasn't easy either. What's the difference between a private & government school? School fees? Yes. Stigma? Ah yes, thats it...its the stigma of a 'state' school that I'm struggling with.
How do I soften this? Tricky but possible!
The stigma of anything is not only created by other people (people just like me) but also by the people who actually believe in it & then care more about what 'others' believe that I do. So....its what we believe that's important. Not only is it important, but its all that matters.

I do believe I am a little step closer to being totally fabulous. Amazing what we can learn from our children.

Let's get physical...

BB & I have discovered 'The Wiggles'. Their songs are catchy & lots of fun for a Mamma & her Bubba to dance too. Fun times :)

WHAT I'VE DONE FOR ME...

Apart from having some fun pointing my fingers & doing the twist (thank you Wiggles) I also had some impromptu fun with a couple of friends I don't get to spend time with very often. If not for our boys being in the same year 5 class at school, we probably wouldn't 'find' the time to catch up at all.
But we sat, for hours! We talked, laughed, bitched, complained, got up our kids a couple of times, had several cups of tea & THE MOST divine yummo thing I've eaten in a long while. I cannot for the life of me remember what it's called...but when Miss B gets her bake on...she REALLY gets her bake on! YUM YUM!!!

Negelected much?

If my blog had feelings...

If my blog had feelings I would be apologizing right now for neglecting it. I have been a busy gal since my last post & when I actually got the time to sit with my laptop & put my thoughts down, I didn't actually have thoughts other than, 'Maaaan I'm tired'.

If my blog had feelings I would be assuring it that I (in my absence) have continued to be nothing less than good to me.( excusing the mad dash to 'clean up' a bit b4 the MIL came to visit, an area I want to continue to work on in myself by not believing she is passing judgement....or care if she does)

If my blog had feelings I would be promising to keep updating, more than I have been doing so.

In the time since my last post I got to see my baby boy turn one. A whole year has gone by since he was born & I have enjoyed & treasured the ride. He certainly knows how to make me feel alive, feel appreciative & feel blessed.

The best gift I can give to him is a Mamma who is happy, secure, self assured, fullfilled & honest...which is why I'm going from the mentality of feeling fat....to feeling fabulous!!! (regardless of my size & shape)
Happy birthday BB. I love you.